Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
