sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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