Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
