Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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