Soap is not a condiment
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
