dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
