After last night, I could never be a politician.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
