Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
