I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
