dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
