he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
