How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
