I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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