I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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