i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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