I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
