i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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