Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
