does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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