this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
