My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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