I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
