Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
