We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
