Don't make out with my wife yet
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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