i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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