my phone needs a breathalizer
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
