i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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