beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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