proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
