he puts the penis in happiness.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
