you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
