good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
