I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
