You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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