I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
