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Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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