I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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