I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
