Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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