that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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