oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
