When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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