My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
