I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
