He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
