He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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