I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
