fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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