I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
