So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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