He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
